he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
no you cant smoke seaweed
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
