Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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