I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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