Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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