i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
