Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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