Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
did i just pee glitter
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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