God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just threw up on my dentist
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
