paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
