I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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