She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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