You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
