i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
