Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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