Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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