No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
