Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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