What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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