I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize