apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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