I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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