Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
