Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
