sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
