Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
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