the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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