I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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