the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
where are my eyebrows?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
