no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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