it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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