after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
