Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
