Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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