i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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