dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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