in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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