You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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