guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
