So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Couch. On fire.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
