I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
