My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
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