I'm going to rape someone's good day.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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