When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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