She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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