It's like a parade of train wrecks.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize