i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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