I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
