I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
where are my eyebrows?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
