I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
