my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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