im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
