I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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