why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
where are my eyebrows?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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