I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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