Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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