Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
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