woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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