i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
