I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
